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Ask Doctor Prawn
He'll answer quenstions because he's a doctor, and he's a prawn.

Dr. Prawn Birthday Song
A Special Birthday song for a friend of Dr. Prawn.

The Dr. Prawn Book
A book about Dr. Prawn's amazing adventures.

Previously on Ask Dr. Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

What alcohol and mixers do i use to make a prawn cocktail? Do prawns even have cocks or tails?

hmmm

g

Dear Gabriel,

I bathe in Gilbey's gin and dry vermouth twice a day, it keeps my buzz on and my complexion taut, yet smooth. My tail is on display as you can see. The cock, well, that's between me and Sophia Loren.

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

Can i ask if prawns have ears?

Ms. Shrimp.

dear Ms. Shrimp,

WHAT?

dp

Dear Doctor Prawn,

I can't think of any specific question but I really want to talk to you. Is that normal?

David Hughes

Dear "David Hughes"
As a Doctor and a Prawn, it seems to me that you should consider this: You've read Karl Marx and you've taught yourself to dance. You're the best by far. But you keep asking the question, the question: you're not supposed to mention: When will I, Will I be famous?

thank you. DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

As a Doctor and a prawn how do you feel about the lack of prawn doctors represented in popular TV medical series, for example Grey's Anatomy?

Do you feel there is room for Dr Mc Dreamy Prawn?

Perhaps all future eps of GA should be filmed underwater so that more medically inclined sea creatures, such as your good self, can be accurately betrayed & get the recognition they deserve?

: )
Is

Dear Is,

I'm glad you asked. And I feel there is certainly room for Dr Mc Dreamy Prawn. Perhaps he could play me in the upcoming Dr Prawn bio pic. George Clooney's agent is being a total bitch when it comes to percentages.

I also think that more underwater medical dramas would help the medical profession both above and below sea level.

Hats off to you,

DP

Dear Dr Prawn,

If you were going to dress up as a Disney character, what would it be? It would be too much a cliche to say The Little Mermaid.

Lots of fishy love from Laura, Emma and Katie

Dear L,E and K

As a Doctor, and a prawn, I rarely need to pretend to be anyone else. In the event I need to disguise myself, I do so by never telling a joke funnier than the person next to me can tell.

Yours, DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

How long does from when a prawn is born until it is the right size to be caught and ate? Are we talking weeks or months?
 
WB

Dear WB

I think you are thinking about this the wrong way around. You should be asking the question: How long until the seas stop churning under the weight of tears that are shed for each bad prawn cocktail served around the world.

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

While my friend was making prawn cocktail i started to wonder... how are prawns made?
Do prawns have genitals? Are prawns capable of making love?
Or do they just lay eggs like chickens?

I would like to know =D
Happy New Year!!!!
From Me! (Sam)

Dear Me,

All fair questions. Basically:

When I make love, chickens start to lay eggs all around me.

Do prawns have genitals? Does the pope shit in the woods? Does the sea make you wet?

How are Prawns made? Ultimately, by two prawns that love each other very much.

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

Are you prawn to be alive?
Prawn in the usa?

I think I was prawn to love you

I'm moving too fast

Must go

Katie

Dear katie

It seems you have mistakenly swapped a "b" sound for a "pr" sound in some famous songs. As a doctor, and a born, may I suggest you see an ear specialist.

Yours,
DB

Dear Doctor Prawn,

My PA want to know how to peel prawn ball, could you please give her some information.

Best Regards
John Geary

Dear John,

If she wants to peel prawn balls, she'll have to make an appointment.

Regards,
Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

Was just wondering how you have your martinis?

Cheers matt

As a Doctor and a prawn, I suggest always be open to new ingredients in your martini. But the secret is the mixing technique. James Bond has led people down the wrong track. The right track was elucidated by Somerset Maugham : "Martinis should always be stirred, not shaken, so that the molecules lie sensuously one on top of the other.".

Yours etc

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

It's Coony again. Me Coony is also in Sri Lanka like Lord Montague Heppington! Coony is still scheming to become the king of Coon-island, but apart from this, I have a greater goal: to wipe out all Krakows from Krakow-island. I have tried bio and nuclear missiles with a picture of my face painted on them so they may shiver in terror, but none has worked :( They get wiped out, but somehow they return again. I need to rule Krakow-island if I am to gain support to politically overthrow King Coon. My bunch of assasins have failed miserably at wiping him out. I tried tossing a molotov cocktail on his undies but got chucked into the dungeons for a month :( Poor Coony. Apart from this, I ate some asparagus thinking it was delicious sea weed!!! Do I need an oesophagus transplant? Am I going to die? Please help Coony. Kwa.

Hail the Prawns!

Coony Adbarfi - High Courtier of Coonisland.


Dear Coony,

Thank god you are in a prison with an internet connection. I think this fact alone means it is safe to say that everything will be okay.

Prawn on,

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

My friend ate too many Prawns once and had to have a new oesophagus installed in his body - is this true?

P.S. Should we be eating prawns?

From

P.McInerney


Dear Mr McInerney

I am sorry to inform you, your friend is lying. Ones oesophagus needs replacing only after eating too much asparagus. Prawns themselves have never been known to cause any real damage unless alive and kicking (and faced with an gruesome task)

Maybe you and he should discuss what being honest AND a friend is all about.

Your friend,
Dr Prawn.

Greetings Dp

The revolution failed!

Those damned capitalist swine got the better of us and overpowered us before we even had a chance to do some looting let alone instigate a world-wide communist revolution. Oh well you live and you learn....

I am presently hiding out in my tea plantation in Ceylon (now Sri Lanka as you no doubt know) I was reading a recent query about jasmine tea and this got me thinking...Do doctor prawns drink tea? If so what what is your favourite tea? I must say that my personal favourite is Ceylon orange pekoe although a good cup of Chinese green tea (particularly China White) has been known to tempt me.

Hope to hear your reply soon

Yours on-the-runningly
Lord Montague Heppington Esq Earl of Brundish and failed communist dictator of the world


Monty,

You gotta stay cool. Prawns drink gin and cooler drinks more than tea, as we tend to cook a bit with too much hot liquid. Another trick for young players: In my experience China White is not a tea at all, so watch out for that one too.

Your time, like your drinks, shall come.

Keep plottin and schemin’

Yours ,
DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

I was recently in Spain and went to a fantastic family restaurant with my friends Maria, Paul and Georgie. I had already chosen a dauphinoise style cheesy fish dish when the owner offered to simply grill my friends various sizes and species of fresh prawns caught that day for their starter. This seemed a fine idea until the realisation that my friends were about to enter a prawn-fest which included what amounted to four huge prawn starters, to be followed by a freshly cooked fish each for mains!

My question is this - They have all been physically and mentally shattered by this physical/audioprawn experience and have had difficulty facing prawns again, how can they revive their love and desire for a great and tasty dish of prawns?

Regards

Alex


Dear Alex,

If you doubt the taste of prawns how can you take the advice of one?
I think really the issue is the spanish. They are a lazy but lovely lot, and one must expect the odd bout of poisoning when visiting the Iberain areas. As for your friends delicate mental state: they lost their wallets and were felt up inappropriately as well, but out of embarrassment haven’t mentioned this to you.

Prawns on the hand are as honest as the day as long, an ingenious and true form of crustacean.

Look deep into the eyes of a prawn and tell me that you do not feel love? Tell me this I dare you.

Perhaps they have been choked by love and shouldn’t be eating prawns at all? Hmmm. I would never condone the open genocide of my prawny brothers, but nor will I stand in the way of passion. I am not the one, as the old song goes.
Stick to eating snapper, or spaniards.

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,
Mandy asks: "Does Jasmine tea have caffeine in it? I wasn't told about this
when I grew up in the 80s. Does this mean I am not going to get Christmas
presents?"


As a doctor AND a prawn it's important to admit some questions just make no sense. What are you getting at here? You seem confused so let me cut to the core. If you, like many others, were inappropriately propositioned by a Santa in spandex in the 80's, take my word for it, what occurred in those "present sessions" had no impact on the presents one receives in the future. Jasmine tea does contain caffeine and is also delicious.
Yours, DP.

Dear Doctor Prawn,
How long does it take you to answer a question? I need to ask you a question but its only worth asking if you can reply soon otherwise its not really worth asking the question


Depends on the question.
DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,
i dont know what to do, for many tides i have dreamed of being a prawn, swishing my beautfiful pink tail and looking through big black eyes. i have tried painting myself but the effect washes off and my true identity comes through...i am infact a shark.

my parents have disowned me - they dont understand, and all of the prawns laugh at me, i cant fit in. as a doctor do you know of any prawnian surgeons who can make my dreams come true? please?

all i want is to be a prawn like you

jaws junior
'the mighty prawn'


Dear jaws,

Firstly unless you have gangreine or look like Rove McManus (or are Rove McManus), surgery is NEVER the answer.

The answer is within you very heart... THE PRAWN WITHIN.

To be a prawn like me is to simply be true to yourself... just as I am both a Doctor and a prawn, I see no reason why you couldn't be a shark and a prawn.

People may never accept you, but then, they can fuck off, can't they?

You've just gotta do yourthing, man.

You gotta be the prawn you want to be.

Even if you are massive and grey, instead of small and pink.

And the best thing is you are still a shark, so if people won't accept you, then you should eat them. With such delicious altercations I think you will find people quickly accepting you as the huge, superfast, man-eating, steely-grey, razor-toothed prawn that you really are.

Quick sticks, I wager.

All the best, from one prawn to another,
Dr Prawn Esq.

Dear Doctor Prawn,
Thanks to your sound advice concerning a certain fire I have lived to see the error of my ways! I have given up the mind bending hallucanagens for world domination!!!!!!!! I feel my talents are wasted on trying to solve the worlds problems by burning the money. And I have recently been reading about this chap called Karl Marx and his new fangled ideas about society. So i have decided that my Earldom is not enough!!! and that the world would be a far jollier place with me in charge. I was wondering weather or not you would consider abandoning any previous pollitical engagements to help me start the communist revolution? and if not weather you would be able to donate some of your wisdom to my cause?

Yours powerstruggelingly
Chairman Lord Montague Heppington Esq the now Earl of Brundish the next Chairman of the world Muwahahahahaha!


Monty old boy,
I have been setting up a series of practices for drive-in cosmetic surgery for stars and dissatisfied lovers so have been flat out (still trying to get wi-fi working in the carpark), however you just tell me where and when the revolution is, whether it will be televised (so I can Tivo it) and I’ll be there quick sticks.
Revolutions.. Keep ‘em short and sharp, otherwise they get a bit messy, that’s my best advice for now,

All the best, I will be in the mob on the left,

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,
I am being stalked by a magpie is this a regular occurance with other people and magpies or have i been singled out for boyish gd looks and tight tight cheeks?
I have tried talking to him in a civilised way but he just buggers off!
his glouring eyes are becoming an increasing concern to me.
Please help

Yours watched
Ivuana Humpaprawn


Dear Ivuana,
Are you a prawn? As a doctor and a prawn, I find living underwater I tend to avoid such threats. You should live underwater. Being underwater will be your greatest ally in fighting off magpies. Although they seem huge in the sky above, much of this is a lensing effect of water so you should consider yourself and your boyish good looks under no real threat.

Is your name hungarian?

Fondest regards,

Dr Prawn

Dear coony,

Thanks for your multiple enquiries of late, Sorry I have taken so long to respond. By the sounds of it you need to focus on your political career as King Coon. Then you could be a doctor AND a king. For me, such duality is the spice of life and has introduced me to many of the delicacies of the world.
Re your spots. These are a result of stress and once you become king, all will return to it’s normal state.

I trust this has answered your queries. Doctor Prawn wants to help Coony. Kwa.

Dear brett.

HPV is very common and pretty harmless but sometimes causes disgusting warts on genitals. HPV stands for Human papillomavirus. Naturally prawns are unaffected by this innocuous but heinous affliction. To avoid this blight, one thing is clear: keep away from humans. I have found by living underwater and only coming “topside” to do lab work, see famous friends and go to specially prepared cocktail lounges I am entirely safe from your repulsive problems.

Good luck.

DP

Dear Nick,

Obviously you have been blessed with a gift and it is up to you to use it as best you see fit. Whilst the modern terror focussed world is so droll, you must put these terror suspect fear aside and run through the verdent pastures of sexual awakening like a panda through bamboo (with strength, conviction and total enthusiasm for one’s fleeting and valuable life).
If not I suggest walking in a crab like sideways manner facing the wall.

Best of luck,

Dr Prawn.

as you may or may not know, it is valentines day tommorow. sadly my boyfriend is in spain for a week so i wont see him till sunday. i have two questions related to this:
1) how long in advance would i have to blow him a kiss if it was to reach him by valentines day?
2) would it count as being un-loyal if i were to strip on webcam for someone else?
i look forward to your reply as it would be hard to look sidways or backwards to it unless i was writing this after your reply which would seem quite unlogical.
lots of (non-sexual) love a kisses and hugs

daffy-the-great, self proclaimed ruler of earth the known and unknown universe and assasin of the earl of brundish

Dear Daffy etc etc,

The heart is the strongest muscle in the body and its pounding can deafen the ears and drive the mind into a frenzy.
In response to your questions:
I think a matter of seconds. A kiss is so light it would be carried by the winds almost instantly, so that within half a minute your loved one would feel its wet slap upon his cheek.
Stripping on camera could be perceived a useful tool in medical examination under the guidance of a trained medical professional, but as for the regards of your spanish partner, as we have learned from the current cartooning crisis in Denmark, you’ve just got to be sensitive to the feelings of others, and if you think something might cause offence, be wary that they may firebomb you.

All the best,

Dr Prawn.

Being an english gentleman who is rather fond of doctors and prawns and subsequently Doctor Prawns. I feel your service is a most agreeable soloution to my dilema. Recently it has been raining (living in England like I do what what this happens all the time in fact its raining right now) to livley up my afternoons i have been subsituting the tea in my tea pot with an interesting mixture of assorted halucnigens and other interesting fungi. My mind has soared to new plains i realise that in order for our society to suceed we need to burn all the money!!! However this is an expensive form of revaloution and whilst setting fire to a stack of money my exceptionally waxed moustache caught fire and i am now horrificly on fire what do suggest to such a dilema?

Yours scorchingly

Lord Montague Heppington esq. Earl of Brundish

Dear Lord Heppington Esq.

Sorry for taking so long to respond to your enquiry. Now that I have finally found the time to get to the bottom of it, I notice that you are complaining of being on fire. I find, if left alone, these things have a tendency to work themselves out. If your moustache is still on fire however, then I salute your hirsuteness- but you should put it out immediately.

Have you ever indulged in a little coprophilia? I am a big fan of
scat, and just wonder whether you've been on the wrong end of a glass
bottom boat?

Yours sincerely,
Tommy Sheisse

Dear tommy,

I once was invited into a session of the board game "scategories". I arrived
a little late into the lounge room with two handfuls of shit and everyone
was extremely indignant and not interested in playing at all. This whole
experience turned me off most types of game play. I have never found the
wrong end of a glass.

DP

I have recently decided that I should marry a doctor, and am currently screening suitable candidates for husband material.

In addition to the above, I have developed a (possibly unhealthy) obsession with man prawns, in particular their hairy little legs and flirty long antennae.
I can not help but think we may have a chance - are you single Dr Prawn? what do you look for in a partner?

Signed,
Sassy single crustacean aficionado

First up relationship advice: in the immortal words of Phil Collins or perhaps his mama's, but at least one of them said: "you can't hurry love". Secondly, am i avaliable for love / and what are my requirements? To this i reply: Choosing a doctor is a great choice as we are mostly very nice and very rich, with fabulous tastes in both women and wines. For this reason i cannot offer you the attention you desire (my taste for wine tends is all consuming you see) I would say that the summer months will no doubt open your world up to many doctor or a prawn, perhaps both, who knows.

The best of luck on the battlefield of love. Fight hard and don’t take no for a an answer – at least until the police turn up,

DP

Dear Doctor Prawn,

My friends keep telling to stop “Going The Raw Prawn”!  Can you help me understand what they mean?  Surely you would know why seeing as you’re a Doctor AND a Prawn.  How often do you GO THE RAW PRAWN?

Regards,

Beggers… the Bush Kangaroo who is Bushy and  a Kangaroo, also known as Dr Kanga or just Beggers.

DP -Dear Beggers,

In the words of the often controversial Michael Jackson I would implore you to not stop “till you get enough”. I takes two to tango and what about the prawn’s feelings?. Other animals should be more considerate, bushy or otherwise.

In answer to your last query, to quote again and this time the late ODB : “oh baby I like it raw”

Regards,
Dr. Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

Please help me Doc, I just don't know what to do around girls, you see I met this girl who is really sweet and all, and shucks she makes me all melty inside, I can hear birds singing her beautiful name on the wind, I can smell the sweet fragrance of forrest berries that she uses to wash her flowing golden locks with, I can taste her subtle kisses, I'm obsessed with her, she is what I long for, my every breath.....Do prawns even give romantic advice? How do prawns get jiggy? Anyway the problem is she is my mum....is that wrong...lots of other people seem to love her...in fact they pay to love her...I've just being saving all my pocket money and birthday money up for almost four months and have a whole $12.65, is that enough for love? How much does love cost?

Help me Doc Help
Jimmy.

DP - Dear Jimmy
This does not sound like a genuine problem and is split into too many areas to answer concisely. I think you should try packaging an selling the forest-berry shampoo your girlfriend uses in her hair (natural hair products will be very big this season) and use the money to have sex with your mother

Regards,
Dr. Prawn

I was wondering... Can I be a doctor with a prawn too?
I beleive I have all of the qualifications necessary to take on such a
career.

Yours Sincerely,
Dr. Brine (PhD, Clinical Marine Physcologist)

DP - Dear Dr Brine
You can do anything with a prawn, as long as the prawn consents.
Prawns are very forgiving, but they will never forget,

Regards,
Dr. Prawn

I was wondering, are you a GP or do you have a
specialty? Are you taking new patients and, if so,
will I need scuba gear to get to your office?

Sincerely,

Looking for a new doctor... *and* a prawn
aka GothKitten69

DP - Dear Sir/Madam,
I often recieve questions as to my specialties and specific skills. Being a doctor and a prawn, people's curiosity is often piqued. I think the best way to answer this common query is for you to send me a 6x8 photograph.

Dr. Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

If gin makes you sad and prozac makes you happy, what affects could I
expect from consuming both in excess ammounts?

Also, my brother is a paraplegic. For fun we sometimes spike his smoothies
with viagra and wheel him around the mall. I've heard of a condition called
blue balls. Since we've exploited this gag 4 times already over the last
week, do you think he suffers from this condition and if so, how do you
suggest we relive him of it?

Phil

DP - Dear "Phil",
In answer to your first question, as a doctor and a prawn one must become comfortable with paradoxes. in this instance, you must apply the answer to the great matchbox riddle : "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?". Answer: You pass out in a stairwell.

In answer to your second question: "What's a reach-around between pals, nay brothers?"
Yours sincerely,

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

My name is Colin the Crab, I'm  a Blue Swimmer actually... um, my problem, well um... It's a little embarrassing to say the least, but I appear to have a bad case of genital humans.  What can I do?

DP - Dear Colin.
As a crab, i wouldn't worry so much about having genital humans but count yourself lucky you don't have actual human genitals.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

I'm what you might call a hirsute clam and was wondering whether or not to shave.  What do you think?

DP - Dear Bearded Clam .
Don't be afraid of who you are. You are a genius and should work in advertising.

Yours Sincerely

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

I have discovered that i have grown up without a good sense of social boundaries, preferring books to human contact. I was luck enough to discover your online Q&A page and find your advice very reassuring as it helps define these boundaries for me.

My current problem is that I am a doctor of environmental science but when i am drunk or drinking, i often tell people that i am a gynacologist.

Do you think this is normal and have you ever lied about who you are?

PS: Do you have a sister?

DP - Dear Social boundaries.

The rules of social boundaries are the same as the rules of dating. Once you realise that people are strange, including you, it all becomes wonderfully simple.

Regarding lying about who I am; I am both a doctor and a prawn. I am both the things in life anyone would ever want to be.

I will not let you within ten yards of my sister, you freak.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Prawn

Dear Doctor Prawn,

the outer rim of my <bad word removed: read middle of ass> is constantly oozing a lime green pus. i have tried putting blocks of cheese up there but when i go running with my auntyrae, it melts and runs down my legs much to the dismay of my aunty rae.
what should i do,
love
p-edis

DP - Well p-edis,
I glad you asked, because being a doctor and prawn this highlights a crisis
in our food service industry.
Firstly, it should mandatory for full background checks on all vendees of
cheese... one of our most valued and sacred resources.
Secondly, I believe your condition is known as "Chickanus minus mornay"...
would I be right in proposing that you didn't supplement a meal of chicken
nuggets with its commonly known antidote of Lobster Mornay.
As I have been lobbying unsuccessfully in parliament for sometime about
compulsory companioning of these dishes... A quick remedy would be to never
see Aunty Rae again and and stop jogging for two to three weeks.

Best Wishes,

Doctor Prawn

I am concerned by the growing interest in the internet. Will it hurt my
baby?

from <Concerenedabouttheinternetandwhetheritwillhurtmybaby

DP - Dear Concerenedabouttheinternetandwhetheritwillhurtmybaby,
I am not sure what type of baby you have, but to be on the safe side, always keep it within reach of someone who's a doctor and a prawn.

Best Wishes,

Doctor Prawn